i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Fuck/don’t fuck whoever you want, you’ll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
The Vegan Police, on the other hand, are very serious business.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it’s achieving that, it’s the right label!
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that’s valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you’ll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it’s any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn’t. If it is, then by all means, check whether it’s valid with them, not us.
I don’t see any reason you can’t be anything you want to be.
Yes you are valid. There is a microlabel that you may relate to, if you’re looking for it:
Reciprosexuals don’t feel sexual attraction until they know someone is attracted to them first. This can create a dynamic where attraction follows mutual interest rather than leading it, different from most other orientations.
But ace is ace is ace is ace. If you identify as being on the ace spectrum, you are valid. If you change your mind later, you were (and are) still valid. You do you boo.
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
dude im struggling with this exact same thing T_T ace has such a “strict” definition that i technically don’t fit into but the label has always felt right to me and i relate a lot to the asexual experience. but yeah what everyone else is sayin— you’re still valid and you can consider yourself whatever you want. also, labels are tools, so if they aren’t helping and are rather causing distress, then dont even worry about all that :)) (easier said than done, i know)
Yes.
– Frost
I was gonna just say “yeah, that’s textbook demisexual” but at the end I see you realized that already.
Not sure why you feel possibly invalid when it sounds like (based on this post alone) that you are the actual dictionary example.
I’m still kinda figuring it out, but I’m thinking I’m double demi for now (not sure if there’s another word for it).
For me I am far from completely nonsexual (basically allos’ only version of defining “asexual”), but it would only be important at all in a solid relationship (if I could even get that being demiro).
I just don’t feel an urge to go out and “get some”, but if someone I felt familiar and safe with just landed in my lap naked, then something has a decent chance of happening.
I consider that valid asexuality. It might be kinda “dictionary”-like too, but you don’t see a lot mentioned of people having the green and purple stripe (demiro/demisexual). Or at least I don’t.
