“I hit on the bartender.” “She looks at her coworker. ‘Sorry, I don’t think my wife would like that.’” “I hit on the bartender’s wife.” “You gain unspiration.”

I’m out of spells, but I’m not out of shells.

Maybe your employer will accept a statutory declaration instead of a doctor’s certificate. Mine does.

Humans can grow up to eight feet. Most of them only grow posthumously, hence the expression, “six feet under.”

Explanation:

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it’s just the opposite.

Gending Machine

“If elected, I will stop all those other sheep from crossing the border and stealing your food!”

“What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two at noon and three in the evening?”

A kobold. In the morning it scurries around on all fours, trying to get everything in order before its master wakes up. At midday, it stands at attention before its master. By the evening, it gets tired and leans on its tail a bit.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

Who’s Steve Jobs?

One day I’m going to play an asexual bard, just to subvert expectations.

Rocs fall, everyone dies

Did he collapse from seeing the rainbow roundabout?

That only creates bland food.

Put them in your shopping bag and sort it out later.

He couldn’t put the book down.