BPD moment. Mental health issues are bastards of things. I’ve tried to stop. I have stopped. The issue is the brain is literally trained to be like that–constantly on edge after a whole lifetime of needing to be on edge. I’m literally fighting the very composition of my brain when I force the splitting to turn off, but it doesn’t last. I wish it was that easy. The only way that cycle breaks is with therapy and patience.

I’ll tell you the other side of it. It’s being terrified of being abandoned. It’s not knowing if others are being honest, because trusting others has caused trauma in the past. It’s believing you’re horrible, and contemptible, and unable to change. We need the reassaurence because we don’t trust the environment unchanging. Basically, it’s a grounding mechanism. Read about hypervigilance.

It’s a fucking miserable life I’m glad most people will never have to live. Honestly, we need a PSA about it.

Trauma is most often generational–almost certainly most cases, and definitely all I’ve personally encountered

I do it multiple times a day ^w^

б

My OSDD-1b system:

Just wait until you hear about the Boltzmann brain looollll

(Probably not gonna happen but it’d be hilarious if it did)

Half my brain shut down reading this

The word “logarithm” comes from the Greek word “logos” and “arithmos”. Λογαριασμό/logariasmo is indeed related, and refers to counting.

I know. It’s a hard condition to tolerate, and even harder to understand. Sometimes, BPD feels like a brand that means you can only be around others with BPD…

…Seeing as the only friends who’ve stuck around with me all have BPD.

Hand in unlovable hand.

Oh yeah it definitely is, but we resonate really strongly so it’s fine. I’m OSDD-1b, they’re DID/C-PTSD, they’re in an active abuse scenario, I just so happen to be studying cognitive science, it’s unusual.

The dynamic is everything functioning extremely well, until they try to push me away (insisting I’ll abandon them eventually because I secretly hate them), and me insisting I’m not going anywhere. I’ve been blocked and unblocked so much. Once the isolating headmate stops fronting, the rest of the system comes back. There’s also the me restraining so, so hard to not go on a self-loathing spiral, but it happens sometimes. The “so you hate me” narrative definitely exists in me, but my unusually deep understanding of these disorders helps a lot. Can’t outpace my nervous system every time, though. Not for a lack of trying.

Rough shit. That’s life, though. We’re holding on.

Me and partner because BPD lol

Thank you for triggering my very specific “7” vocal stim where I just repeat it in my brain forever lol

Dissociation

Posted twice in my family group chat

My brain h lmao

Only 7 but that’s ignoring the chaos of the 24+ headmates in the system lmfao

I don’t tick enough boxes but the extent of my psychological issues is so great the BPD box may as well take up the entire board 💀

[SCOTTIE/VIENNA] Of course! ^w^

[ASHE] Oh yeag we usually use emojis (we’re therians ΘΔ) on Discord with short messages so it’s just a habit, plus it’s not normal to go full plural in comments anyway

Also their is correct

[RUDY] Until I come out and unify everything. I’m technically still Ashe, just in the background. The grammatical style changes a little to be able to universally fit every headmate. Of course, I may still switch between headmates (as you may or may not be able to tell is happening as I write–the start of the sentence is Scottie), but the transition becomes completely seamless. It took quite a while to learn how to do that. Even before I became plural, my style was changing between all lower or upper case, with or without punctuation, with/without periods.

Just to demonstrate how different the headmates are, here’s a few:

[BONNEY] im the disinhibited manic and i always have a big happy smile :::)))) launch fireworks in public placeeeeesssss!!!

[AUBURN] I serve as the system’s typical leader, as well as the typical fronter during workout sessions. A level head keeps me thinking rationally.

[MALLORY] i kind of hate myself and dont have much to say other than that

[EDEN] It’s hard to articulate my personality, and I don’t feel connected to any particular emotion. I barely feel like I exist within this body. I usually prefer not to. You’ll find me outside, trying to be an animal when I feel like being inside a house is driving me insane. I’ll just be philosophical and try to dissolve.

[AMBROSIA] I am the upper, upper level of the system–keeper of the vault, orchestrator of the alters. I exist as a tier above Auburn. I embody calmness, and a focused headspace is my highest priority. Due to my gift to not let emotional reactions blind my judgement, I am the absolute most logical in the system–and I am seldom incorrect. Yet still, my mind remains the easiest to change, and this happens quite often. Other headmates may claim to be logical while still taking firm, incorrect stances (such as ones who insist they are fundamentally unlovable), but emotional reactions are simply muted in these cases.

[VIENNA] Am the excited and happy one ^w^

I like to wiggle when I’m called a girl :3

[JUSTICE] I’ve been through a bit of shit. I used to cope with pain by using drugs, lashing out angrily, being self-destructive. I was a terrible mood. It took a lot of work to stabilise and serve as an alternative to Auburn when shit’s going really bad. I’m still not the most respectful thing ever, and I’m usually quiet, but I’m trying.

[ZEPHYR] I’m an interesting one. I’m like a bit of an executive controller beneath Ambrosia. I can lock headmates–completely suppress their ability to front. Used to be a coping mechanism (shutting down headmates I considered a problem), but now it’s a form of task management. It’s really important to know that all headmates can serve positive roles, even if they seem like massive problems on the surface. All parts are redeemable.

[RUDY] So that’s just a bit of an expanded look in. Systems are a pretty damn interesting subject when you’re familiar.

Aaah, I see.

I feel you. My partner has C-PTSD. It’s definitely one of those experiences that are very hard to articulate. The OCD link also makes perfect sense.

No, you don’t sound insane at all. I really do get it.