If you are a victim of assholes, and it’s happened more than once, it’s time to get therapy to discuss codependency issues and how to reestablish boundaries. Even with a psychopath or narcissist, it takes two to tango, and one’s lack of boundaries allowed the poor treatment. The scary part is that anyone can create a monster out of an otherwise halfway normal person by not establishing boundaries. I’ve been on both sides, and it’s eye opening that ones character is so fragile even when we think we’re good people who would never do such things.
Nobody is immune. Never forget to check yourself. If your spouse says they feel like they are walking on eggshells, then spend some time in cognitive silence to evaluate that severe red flag and if you’re projecting your shit onto someone else. It’s an easier mistake to make than you think, and it is easy to do abusive behavior without knowing it.
Even with a psychopath or narcissist, it takes two to tango, and one’s lack of boundaries allowed the poor treatment.
I’m getting a whiff of victim blaming here.
Not everybody was brought up by supportive, trustworthy parents.
Not everybody is in a good pecuniary position to “just leave”.
Not everybody is ready to face violence when boundaries are established.
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This applies to men too. Johnny Depp is a good example. He would have been what psychotherapists call codependent in that relationship. I’ve always hated the term. There is a book called Codependency Recovery Plan. It’s about recognizing when boundaries are being breached and so forth.
Agreed that this doesn’t apply in all situations, especially with women. It asked for an opinion though. I was in a situation and had to accept accountability for my own actions to prevent it from happening again. Statistics show that if you don’t resolve the issue of responding to red flags after being in a “codependent” relationship, you’re more likely to end up in another. Worked for me but maybe not for all environments.
Audience is an important piece to this discussion.
If the assumption is that therapy is an option, then the audience for @ScoffingLizard’s comment is very narrow - literate, health-conscious, a person of some means. It’s good advice within that narrow audience.
For the rest of the world, though, it’s abysmal advice. “Codependency” isn’t really an accurate description of relationship dynamics in oppressive societies like Saudi Arabia or the harsh realities in the slums of Bangladesh.
I’m just assuming it’s the typical very narrow, culturally inexperienced, “educated” middle class white opinion being expressed whenever I hear “get therapy”. Getting therapy is very much a middle class white American hobby in particular.
It’s considered shameful here. There’s a cousin of my SO who desperately needs therapy; he had a breakdown mid-college and is now suffering from at the very least some form of depression, and may actually have some kind of psychosis involving episodes of delusion.
But he doesn’t go to counselling because that’s shameful to the family. They take care of him, but not to the extent of taking him to therapy.
It’s one of these “Good Intentions Paving Company™” situations, basically.
Absolutely not. It’s the commonly used term to describe the relationship between the abuser and abused in psychotherapy. It’s always bothered me too. The term in that context is misleading IMHO. It’s the one they use though. Definite ly not good for systemic oppression.
If you are a victim of assholes, and it’s happened more than once, it’s time to get therapy to discuss codependency issues and how to reestablish boundaries. Even with a psychopath or narcissist, it takes two to tango, and one’s lack of boundaries allowed the poor treatment. The scary part is that anyone can create a monster out of an otherwise halfway normal person by not establishing boundaries. I’ve been on both sides, and it’s eye opening that ones character is so fragile even when we think we’re good people who would never do such things.
Nobody is immune. Never forget to check yourself. If your spouse says they feel like they are walking on eggshells, then spend some time in cognitive silence to evaluate that severe red flag and if you’re projecting your shit onto someone else. It’s an easier mistake to make than you think, and it is easy to do abusive behavior without knowing it.
It’s also possible to be in a life situation where you’re vulnerable and being exploited by the society around you.
Not everyone has a way to escape from their surroundings, let alone get therapy
I’m getting a whiff of victim blaming here.
Not everybody was brought up by supportive, trustworthy parents. Not everybody is in a good pecuniary position to “just leave”. Not everybody is ready to face violence when boundaries are established. . . .
And a cast of thousands.
This applies to men too. Johnny Depp is a good example. He would have been what psychotherapists call codependent in that relationship. I’ve always hated the term. There is a book called Codependency Recovery Plan. It’s about recognizing when boundaries are being breached and so forth.
Agreed that this doesn’t apply in all situations, especially with women. It asked for an opinion though. I was in a situation and had to accept accountability for my own actions to prevent it from happening again. Statistics show that if you don’t resolve the issue of responding to red flags after being in a “codependent” relationship, you’re more likely to end up in another. Worked for me but maybe not for all environments.
Audience is an important piece to this discussion.
If the assumption is that therapy is an option, then the audience for @ScoffingLizard’s comment is very narrow - literate, health-conscious, a person of some means. It’s good advice within that narrow audience.
For the rest of the world, though, it’s abysmal advice. “Codependency” isn’t really an accurate description of relationship dynamics in oppressive societies like Saudi Arabia or the harsh realities in the slums of Bangladesh.
I’m just assuming it’s the typical very narrow, culturally inexperienced, “educated” middle class white opinion being expressed whenever I hear “get therapy”. Getting therapy is very much a middle class white American hobby in particular.
Point taken. Is therapy something people consider stupid in your country?
It’s considered shameful here. There’s a cousin of my SO who desperately needs therapy; he had a breakdown mid-college and is now suffering from at the very least some form of depression, and may actually have some kind of psychosis involving episodes of delusion.
But he doesn’t go to counselling because that’s shameful to the family. They take care of him, but not to the extent of taking him to therapy.
It’s one of these “Good Intentions Paving Company™” situations, basically.
Is codependency really the right word to use when faced with systemic oppression?
Absolutely not. It’s the commonly used term to describe the relationship between the abuser and abused in psychotherapy. It’s always bothered me too. The term in that context is misleading IMHO. It’s the one they use though. Definite ly not good for systemic oppression.
We’re not talking about relationships.