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First thing monday morning.
Looks at river, “If I was in that river Id be so wet right now.”
Boss starts looking worried.
“I bet if that river splashed me in the face we’d need two towels to clean it all up!”
Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.
“Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn’t be able to find my body for weeks…”
From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27Everyone,
I would like to point out that the river appears to be wet. I would also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.
We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.
J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.Clearly, this needs to be a meeting with 20 people. We need to get consensus on the number and color of ducks, and what to do about them. Plus there’s the more elementary question of whether water can be wet.
It needs to be 2 hours. The only slot that everyone has free is during lunch, so I booked that.
next week…
I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.
I bet it smells like fish…
ok im good until next week!
Keep going. This is doing something for me.
Bros gooning to river smut
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well shit… my top comment is going to be about fucking a river now I guess…
Boss starts looking worried.
…because he thinks you’ve discovered his fetish.
Three… Three towels?
Four towels is a bit excessive don’t you think?
I see people badmouthing this but it sounds like a case of 1. It’s easy to forget and stop seeing the beauty that you see every day and 2. A lighthearted corporate goal stated to try to get people to come together and just take a moment to appreciate some of nature’s beauty
I see what they tried to go for, but enforcing stuff like that is not good. Because forced good feelings always just do the opposite.
Who said this is even tracked, let alone enforced? Drawing the conclusion that it’s enforced seems like a bit of a leap.
That said, if my boss said that to me it would probably sit poorly with me in the moment purely because I just want to focus on my job and GTFO, I don’t particularly want to pine for outside when I’m stuck anyways. It’s corny and not particularly inspiring, but nothing wrong with it on its face. If somebody was clocking such things that’s a huge “find another corporate wage slave camp to sink your labor into” flag.
They said it was a Q2 goal. It will definitely be tracked and not participating will be held against you.
That came off to me as the boss being playful, but its hard to say without knowing more about OP’s situation
Setting it as a quarterly goal, with those examples, makes it sound like it’s very much a joke and nothing else to me.
A company goal, set with exact numbers? That does sound like quite a bit more coercion than a simple “Guys, look at the cool river we have here. Let’s be grateful for the good things we have.”
I mean, corporate goals aren’t always tracked or enforced. Officially stated corporate goals and values are used to help set priorities and culture, and including a goal of appreciating the environment the office is located in can be referenced in political pushes to further improve the workplace, such as encouraging (paid) early release on especially nice days, or setting up workplace picnics or even a workplace volunteer day. Or it can simply be a half-jokingly stated goal to take a moment to breath and appreciate the world around you that’s entirely untrackable and unenforceable
they hired guards to patrol the office and record comments on the river to ensure each worker met their quota
Yea, I don’t see the problem with this. I have annual goals at work. If this was an official goal for me, I’d be thrilled. Easy exceeded expectations for that one.
If I’m going to be ground down by the corporate machine for money, I don’t need them taunting me with what I can’t have anymore.
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That’s… actually kinda cute? I mean, it has a Michael Scott vibe to it? Like he’s trying really hard to get them to appreciate the river? I believe I might be overusing the questionmark? Oh my god I can’t stop? Send help?
Here have some more in case you run out -???
Edit: Removed the question mark that was used in Seth’s comment below.
Thank you?
Just don’t use them all in one place.
Depending on the situation, might be related to rto
Help: ‽
A friend told me that as part of a “team bonding exercise” they were asked to sing one of their favorite songs with the lyrics re-worded about their job or company and I am so thankful that this bullshit hasn’t spread to my country yet.
🎵 I know a task that gets on everybody’s nerves…🎵
🎵Why does this meeting never end🎵
🎵it just goes on and on my friend🎵
🎵Some C-suite level jokers heard that number must go up🎵
🎵This could have been an email but we’ll forever ever wonder…🎵
🎵I suffer, but why?🎵 - Napalm Death
- changed lyric to meet the assignment
- reflects feelings about the task
- ends your turn as soon as possible so that the next poor soul gets to participate in this corporate hazing ritual
There are so many songs from the labor movement that can easily be modified for the modern office environment, I’m sure your boss will love it.
🎵 You write 16 reports and what do you get
🎵 Another day older and deeper in debtor
🎵 My dad was an accountant and I’m an accountants son
🎵 And I’ll stick with the union till every battle 's wonor
🎵I stood nee deep in politics, got sick with a churning gut
🎵 I shoveled out the bullshit and it neigh on makes you chokes.…
Just sing Gwar - Sick of You, unchanged
Team bonding exercises can be great though, e.g. going go-carting on company time or having a walk.
Enables you to be more kind to colleagues.
If they try to take away working from home, I will become a bin man
How… How often do you think binmen work from home?
Every day at least once
Have you seen my desk?
Oh they tryin’…
I’m lucky to work for a fairly small firm that fully supports my choice to be a hermit, but yeah that commercial real estate ain’t gonna finance itself.
うっせぇうっせぇうっせぇわ
うっせぇうっせぇうっせぇわ
私が俗に言う天才ですFits perfectly.
“Imagine diving down to the bottom, expelling all the air from your lungs, and just waiting for the river’s sweet embrace to take you. I hear it’s a surprisingly peaceful way to go. I yearn for that with all my being. Monday mornings, eh? Do these windows open?”
Drowning isn’t peaceful. There’s ways of asphyxiation that are surprisingly peaceful, but drowning isn’t one of them, not even when done well.
But also, don’t die to escape from a job. You can escape normally. It’s usually really easy to do: they let you go home, just don’t come back. Go do literally anything else.
I was proposing a hypothetical thing to say to a hypothetical boss who hypothetically inflicted such a commandment.
Don’t worry about me, I’m a self-employed consultant working three days a week and now winding down to my retirement with a bunch of low stress side-hustles. But I appreciate the concern. I hope your weekend is surprisingly full of joy and wonder!
You need help.
We all do
I’m all good. This was just a comment for shits and giggles.
How would you know that it’s a peaceful way to go if people who have tried it all died and cannot tell us how it feels?
Ngl I would have a ball with this.
“Hey boss you excited for the beginning of trout spawning season?”
“Did anyone else see that body float by a minute ago?”
“I think we could drown whoever came up with this dumb idea in this nicer river!”
You have to be kind of a fucked up person if you can’t appreciate the river.
Rotting in the mines is probably where you belong if you can’t appreciate the river.
Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.
Maybe he doesn’t remember that he’s a river?
Sounds like an anime plot to me! “Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God”
Not enough words, gotta double that. Also wouldn’t hurt if it was an Isikai, somehow tied in game elements, had a harem of some sort but he was too oblivious to realize, and the fan service episode needs to be on a beach at the river.
Still turns out to be a highschool harem drama, somehow
He’s an 8000 year-old river god but he looks like this:
And he’s clumsy and a bit of an airhead …
Probably.
I’d watch it haha.
Later during performance review:
“I noticed you are having issues staying on task; you need to minimize the distractions around you to make sure this doesn’t become problematic for work”
“Hey, don’t you love the nature surrounding us, which you are prohibited from interacting with during the length of your contractual obligations with us?”
Not really, but it beats the fuck out of the interstate that runs by mine.
Are they not allowed to go outside, or…?
In many workplaces, no.
I dunno, a beautiful view is a perk, it’s so much nicer than just walls. We used to be in a high up office by the bay, and osprey would land on the balcony, so exciting, or sometimes groups of crows talking to each other. Once we saw a waterspout, ominously tracking across the water like a tornado. Looking out those windows was so restorative, and people (not me) would also take breaks to run across the bridge & back as a workout. As a goal it’s silly, sure. But as a benefit, a nice view is nothing to scoff at.
Now the office moved so close I can walk to work which I think is better, but I miss those windows. Although there are mitigation ponds at this office park with gorgeous birds, herons and egrets and ducks and cormorants and I sometimes see this guy on my way in, too. All this to say I do think a nice view of a river is something to enjoy, yes even at work, and asking people to recognize that, while kinda condescending, is not crazy.
This is being hyperbolic, but at least the lordes and tyrants of the past used to just steal your food or murder you.
These modern replacements like playing with their food.
“That body of water is soooo wet… It’s so long, and moisssst…just GUSHING with dihydrogen monoxide.”
Say both of those on a Monday when you come in and your goals are all met!
easy peasy
sounds like a joke or lighthearted attempt at socializing.
