It was 2023, and Dr Jennie Young was sick of online dating. She was looking for a partner, and instead all she found in the apps were inappropriately sexual come-ons and conversations that went nowhere. It felt like looking for a needle in a big, rancid haystack. So one day, frustrated and totally out of ideas, she Googled “how do you actually find a needle in a haystack?”
The answer: burn it down.
Thus, the burned haystack dating method (BHDM) was born. With the help of some friends and her academic expertise, Young – a professor of rhetoric at University of Wisconsin-Green Bay – developed a set of rules for “people who are searching for a long-term, stable, monogamous relationship”, as the Facebook group dedicated to the method states.
I have some (guy) friends in the dating pool right now and recently this topic has come up multiple times. They try to make a generic profile and use generic lines that will scare the least amount of people away initially. They get plenty of dates this way. I argue that this is similar to trying to create the most general resume; you will get more interviews but you don’t actually want those jobs. A resume should function to sell yourself but also filter out positions you would hate.
Much online dating advice describes dating as a numbers game, where you increase your chances of a good match by going out with as many people as possible. Dating is indeed a numbers game, Young agrees – but one about identifying a small, focused number of people. “You want to appeal to the narrowest minority of people who would actually be a good match with you, and only spend your time with them,” she says.
“The man hating is over the top for me,” another user responded
Lol. Big lol.
I say this as a man who doesn’t date men. Get over yourself. It’s not about you. Or if it is, then it’s working.
I’ve honestly not done much dating. I’ve ended up living with two of my bosses, and online “dating” is something I’ve done only thrice. But it was well before apps. The only time I’ve used them was drunk on my homoflexible ex-girlfriend’s porch, as we mocked profiles.
The thing I’ve learned is that you aren’t appealing because of the overall package; rather, it’s the right – very short – phrasing at the right time.
When I say “short,” I mean it. My first wife only reached out to me because the word “Albuquerque” was in my profile. (We were in the same town in Oregon, so this was not a geographically useful word, but rather a Bugs Bunny reference.)
My second wife responded after admitting I wasn’t the most interesting person. I’d reached out, heard nothing back, and a week later tried again with that approach. We’ve been divorced for a decade, but we talk almost daily despite living in different towns.
I can’t imagine trying to seriously use an app for anything but sex. There’s no structure there, so how do you get that serendipity?
There’s no structure there, so how do you get that serendipity?
I don’t think I follow what you mean. Structure?
You see a profile that looks passably interesting. You send a message. If they’re feeling it, they reply. You go out. Once you meet up you’re in normal-dating-land, and the online stuff doesn’t matter as much.
Back in my dating days, people wrote full profiles. And I’ve never been on more than one date. The whole scene confuses me. I’ve always been in the fuck-first-and-figure-it-out-later camp. I wasn’t looking for one-night stands, but if you click, you click. And it’s pointless to drag things out with dinners and movies before determining physical compatibility.
I kind of miss the full profiles thing, but match group largely killed them.
Dinners and movies are pretty bad for early dates. You go to a bar or coffee or something where you talk and can bail on short notice. If you like them, you can do more.
Both dates I went on were for coffee. Let’s see if we click sober and go from there.
One led to being invited to her house the next day; the other walked me to her dorm room from Starbucks. The second ex-wife, who I just got off the phone with, was a situation no sane person would do outside of the physical conditions I was faced with, so I met her for the first time in her kitchen.
I seriously do not understand dating.
