in case anybody who doesn’t know, poly doesn’t mean everyone is dating each other. Someone in a poly relationship can date someone who has no interest in dating their other partners. ofc a good rule of thumb is that everyone in this metaphorical web should be able to sit down and have dinner with each other without being mean or violent with each other.
While this is certainly a valid form of romance, it’s more accurately described as “non-exclusive simultaneous relationships” than a single “polyamorous relationship”.
Some people really do live in multi-partner committed households, but those seem most often to be dominated by a single person, such as fringe Mormon polygamy. And the most common form of "polyamory’ is probably “affair-tolerant monogamy.”
It’s a big complicated world, and variations of how humans with form intimate relationships fills all possibilities when there is no enforced legal prohibition. (And,.sometimes, even then.)
As a poly person: no, it is not a “affiar-tolerant monogamy”. That is an open relationship.
Polyamorous partnerships are far more committed. Also, sex is not always a part of it.
Of course there is the concept of a primary partner, but there are lot of poly folks that thislike this idea.
But what all of those relationships have in common: there is no case where only one partner is poly. All is about communication and consent.
And to the core topic: There is this thing like a polycule. A network of people with somehow connected relationships. Breakups in those structures are often consensual and no big fuzz. But if it gets dirty, at least in my experience, the offending member of the polycoule gets shown the door. And most of the times, those are the new ones. People that think the could convince their partner to get monogamous because they are the only one that is needed.
Sorry for the long post, you hit a nerve there ;)
No apologies necessary*. I certainly wasn’t trying to offend, just be accurate in model setting.
A more accurate umbrella term for “affair tolerant monogamy” would probably be “non-monogamous”, with the dividing line between that and “polyamory” being exactly what you said : all persons in the relationship cluster knowing the stances of all other participants.
Accurate and non-offensive terminology can be hard.
It does circle us back to OP, though. The answer to “what happens when one couple breaks up in a polucule” is a loud and emphatic that depends on what type of polucule you’re in.
(*: no apologies needed from you. To the extent that I caused you any distress I sincerely apologize. Causing pain was not at all my intent.)
I engaged in the “affair-tolerant monogamy” variant when I was younger. I discovered there’s a positive curvilinear relationship between amount of drama and number of romantic partners. I am sometimes barely able to handle my own incidental drama, so it didn’t last more than a few years.
Having been divorced from one monogamous relationship
That graph sounds plainly exponential rather than needing its own coordinate system.
Perfect screen name for this thread!
Like a walrus
So it’s like de-federating
Explain relationship between people using the Fediverse. Please and thank you.
Fuck, I’ll never be able unlink federated social media and polyamory in my head now.
Fundamentally they both come from anarchist ways of thinking. If there is no higher order or rule, and nobody has any veto power over anyone else, then the only thing left is to manage each relationship on an equal footing.
Poly for me is about the basic idea that nobody gets veto power over anybody else’s relationship, which means exclusivity simply doesn’t happen. It’s just like if you had a friend that said you weren’t allowed to have other friends. That would be weird, and there’s no real reason why romantic relationships should be any different.
interesting, because for me the appeal of poly relationships (specific kind, mind) is specifically the idea of being exclusive with a group of people, like we’re all married and equally into each other.
I mean if you find that arrangment happens to you organically then great, but ultimately if you have three people all together, that’s three pairs. Four people is six pairs.
There’s no getting around that fact, that’s just how many combinations there are. And if just one of those pairs breaks up for whatever reason, then that mutual group stops working. It’s a very tenuous arrangement. It can also be a big strain on the other pairs when that happens, especially if it breaks with the understanding of what the group is supposed to be.
That’s why I think it’s best not to have that kind of arrangement as a goal. It can happen, but trying to make it happen creates a situation where some pairs will feel pressure to go along with it even if they’re not a good match, which is a recipe for further drama. If there’s no goal like that, then people can feel the freedom to keep their connection loose if they feel like it.
La Vie Bohème!
I know people living in a “polyamorate” or something, so they are as a group of people in a relationship
Yeah people not dating their partners partners is much more common than everybody dating everybody.
There are a lot of different types of poly relationship structures and different names for them. The base unit of relationship is a standard couple where 2 people are together. Add another person in and they can either be in a relationship with only one of those people and form a “hinge” aka “V” or be in a relationship with both of those people and form a “triad” aka “throuple”. As many people as those involved consent to can be added this way.
Most of the time it’s one person who is in a relationship with multiple people who are each in relationships with multiple people. This forms a “polycule”. Where you have the people you’re in relationships with aka your “paramours” and they have the people they’re in relationships with aka your “metamours”. This group of relationships can take many forms and can be drawn out into a cool diagram like a molecule, hence the name polycule.
The people you’re in a relationship with can break up with you like in any other relationship and vice versa. It’s more complicated when you add in housing situations if you’re all living together, multiple people are all dating each other, or if two people are married.
Using one of my breakups as an example:
I’ve been in a triad where one person broke up with the other. I was then put in the middle of their breakup drama. I set a boundary of not wanting to deal with their drama/shit talking of the other. One of them kept breaking that boundary, so I broke up with that person while still being in a relationship with the other. Luckily I was living with the person I stayed with or that would’ve been way more complicated.Man I can’t even form a diatomic bond and y’all mfs getting polysaccharides and shit
I dated a free radical once. Nothing but broken bonds left in her wake.
I thought myself noble, a gas at social gatherings. But, always ended up alone. As if I had a shell that kept people out.
gets voted out
slowly takes out an immunity totem i found in a charity shop.
the immunity totem is the part of the lease where it says your name and not everyone else’s
it must really suck if sudently 2 boyfriend, 3 girlfriends, and 3 non binary partners decide to risk homelessness rather than stay with you.
I’ve seen some bad poly breakups. Once where the three all had a falling out. They jointly ownend the house they lived in together. Three were a few months where they all would just stay in their room as much as possible.
One of them finally managed to get a loan to buy my friend out of her share. Now she refuses to be dependent on a partner for housing.
Yeah, that’s why you shouldn’t buy a house with someone unless you’re married or all sign a contract that gives each person a way to force a situation where they can get out (which marriage provides).
If all of them cannot pool together and find another place, then shit’s bad enough that you might not notice. As you now will be paying rent on whatever house y’all were sharing.
Look accordion practice space ain’t cheap and the master walk in closet has a 5 gallon water heater I can sit on while I play. Helps burn the stress after nightmares.
Imagine getting broken up with by 2 people, both with non-binary haircuts. I’d probably jump into a river and become a trout
I dove into the desert and became a sand trout.
The Golden Path!
B E C O M E T R O U T
This vaguely reminds me of the song Fish Sticks by The Heligoats:
You were baptized in a river
I was thrown off a bridge
Then I landed on a crab you slept with seahorses
I started having seizures, you started having kids
You found your inner self, I found my inner fish
IT AFFECTED THE TROUT POPULATION
What’s a non-binary haircut?
deleted by creator
Yeah honestly it’s pretty normal. Imagine two friends were dating and now they’re not. It’s not like you all aren’t friends anymore
It’s because the (western?) default image of a break-up is a messy one. You don’t just “remain friends”. You fully cut ties and try not to even think of them until 4am.
You know, I think that’s (the default, that is) only true in teens and tv. I think that I’ve seen and had a fair few breakups in my time, and more than 80% kept the same friend group and are absolutely on board with remaining friends.
I wish Caprica wasn’t cancelled. I liked their portrayal of a poly group.
Is it worth watching? I liked Battle Star Galactica very much but wasn’t convinced enough to watch Caprica
I’d say no. I liked it well enough. But it’s frustrating with all the unresolved plotlines.
But it’s been a really long time since I’ve watched it, so maybe there’s some awesome stuff I forgot.
If there was awesome stuff worth remembering, you would at least remember something. From what I’ve heard, it’s the backstory of – I don’t even remember their names – and I wasn’t particularly interested in them. So I guess I will leave it.
It was good and had potential but was cancelled way too early. The finale was a montage to try and wrap the story up. Very frustrating.
I can’t remember if the show did it, but in The Expanse books poly relationships were part of Belter life, especially on smaller ships
On Earth too! One of the main characters (Jim Holden) was raised by a poly family with 8 parents on a ranch in Montana.
if I’m not mistaken, belters are poly because they looked being really close and personal in a ship, while Holden’s family was more because legal issues and land rights. Holden’s family wasn’t a normal thing on earth, while Belters polycules were like the norm for Belters.
It’s written differently in the books vs on the show. On the show it’s definitely more of a legal thing for land rights
The show briefly showed Drummer in charge of a small poly crew.
It did: they gave Drummer Michio Pa’s story in the last couple seasons.
Is there a poly equivalent of something like the Magna Carta?
I have heard of something called the “poly bill of rights” IIRC
Lemmy needs an out of context community
Man, I have enough to deal with enough rags written by dead slave owners to want to add more to my dynamic
Sigh… Another thing I really doubt I’ll ever get- a throuple of myself, a femboy and a tattooed anarchist punk with green hair, who’s just rlly cooooool.
🙄
That is a highly specific matchup you are aiming for. Might happen if you loosen the hair colour or tatoos criteria.
Haha yeah ofc ofc. It’s just uk… a fantasy…
Basically, I have a crush on this fellow from a comic I really like.
Might happen if you loosen the hair colour or tatoos criteria.
Really? I always figured that throuples were very rare (where all partners love each other equally without there being a “main couple” dynamic). Like… How do you even go around dating for a “throuple”?
No idea. I am as basic as they come in regards to relationships.
