Fitness has been quite the journey for me. I got super in to running in my late 30s, a couple of years before I came out. I’d been sedentary my whole life, and told myself I hated exercise.
But to my great surprise, I really enjoyed running. In about 18 months, I went from unfit, and inactive, to running 5km in under 20 minutes. I ran lots of half marathons, I was doing a 5km parkrun every Saturday, and at my peak, I was putting in around 80 to 100km of running a week.
I didn’t know it at the time, but it was helping me control my dysphoria.
And then I got injured. I got a stress fracture. Quite a bad one, that sidelined me for many months. That period is also when I came out, and I often think that the loss of running played a part in the timing.
Eventually, it was time to try and get back in to things. But my fitness was much reduced, and on top of that, hormones were starting to do their thing. Ultimately, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get back to where I used to be. I couldn’t get that same speed. And it was demoralising, having this muscle memory telling me that I should be able to go at a certain pace, but just not be able to do it.
I struggled for quite a while with the fact that HRT which had brought me so many things I needed, was also taking away my pace, it was impacting my running, which was also super important to me. And to be honest, I still struggle with that all these years later.
Over the years since then, I’ve been up and down on my fitness and running. Thankfully though, I had parkrun. Even though I wasn’t running at the pace I used to, parkrun had connected me to a community. And I kept going. I got to the point where I would often walk the 5km course, rather than run it, but I kept turning up. So I never returned to being sedentary like I used to be. I wasn’t as fit, but I was still moving!
I’m currently a couple of months in to an effort to reclaim my fitness. I’m training for a half marathon in July. I’ve tried to regain my fitness a few times over the last few years, and never quite got there, before letting it slide again, but this time, something feels different! So, here’s to fitness!
What an exciting journey for you! I have faith that you’ll kick that marathons ass, your gumption is intoxicating!
I know that my case is different because I started testosterone and that is technically a performance enhancing drug, but there was also the initial disconnect that you mentioned as well that was present for me (both mentally and physically); I was getting very used to my new body and it was incredibly frustrating but also humbling at the same time as it taught me things about my limits that I hadn’t even known were there prior to HRT. Being trans is an awkward experience, especially when we collectively try to get back into things we enjoyed when we were cis… But that’s what makes being trans amazing! We’re so resilient and strong in so many different ways. Best of luck to you Ada!
Last year was the first time I trained for a 10k running event seriously enough to be at that pre-HRT pace time again. I never thought I would be able to reach that again.
But after that I fell back to my slower pace and if I don’t invest that time again I will stay under it. It feels like chasing a ghost. But I accept that now. That was a different person. I am me now.
I also used to be really consistent about working out, but fell off last November for ongoing mental health reasons. I was just thinking a few days ago, “I really need to get back on track finally,” and then this community popped up and it feels almost like a sign? Because I really do miss cardio and yoga.
Best of luck, Ada! It sounds like you were dealing with a lot of new life changes right as you got that injury, but it’s never to late to work old habits back in with your new ones. :)
