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I didn’t need this today, Nicole.
Yeah, I was doing just fine on my own!
Ffs I’m just trying to quietly make my way to the end. I’m fine.
You don’t make connections because Yoh believe you will be abandoned.
I don’t make connections because I know I would be a shitty friend and incapable of actually maintaining a friendship.
Not sure if this is how you meant it, but this is how I read it.
Why not both?
username: deadcream
fully confirming my suspicion that you were the one who didn’t put the ice cream back in the fridge
You have only yourself to blame
I meant a completely different kind of cream
Also I’m pleading the fifth on the ice cream
😅
Always interesting to hear about something new I have had for decades.
People can’t let you down, if you keep your distance. I think it’s better this way.
You would think so, but no matter what people will find a way to let you down.
You could be expecting to be beaten half to death and they’ll stop at a quarter.
Lol! This is pretty well the cycle for dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
Relatable
All the things I had to do to protect myself from manipulative people.
They needed my attention. I became more independent and denied giving them any attention. They don’t like that I’m not giving them the attention they think they deserve so they try and turn everyone against me.
It happens often because I’m quiet and kind. They think that makes me easy to manipulate. I’ve become hardened to manipulators. So much to the point that physical touch with other people has become awkward or uncomfortable.
Being hyper independent is lonely, but it’s better than any of the alternatives I know of.
I have just come to realize I don’t like people. Nothing personal, I just don’t like you.
This is correct.
Yea. Me too.
Well, shit…
You can be all that with no fear of abadonment. Not having the energy to deal with people’s constant bullshit, just not particularly liking people, not being very good at talking to people and being heard and not taken advantage of- are all more than enough.
This incessant need by psychiatry to link trauma to abandonment and refuse any other reasoning, has lead to a lot of misdiagnosis, especially in women.
I’m generally not a big proponent of western therapy in general, so I’m not arguing that part of your comment, I just wanted to say - it’s normal to not be very good at talking to people. Like any skill, it takes practice, which requires accepting that you’ll be bad at it initially.
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I recognize myself in this one and I hate it
Same here 🥲
The antidote is gratitude for the small moments and the things we do have.
I also think better experiences help. I.e. telling some friends specifically what you struggle with, they will work with it. And so when in doubt in the future, you can recall the times where asking for help was totally fine with certain people.
Yes, connection is key with those who have earned the right to hear it.
This assumes friends.
Hey, I know sometimes you really have no one to talk to and I don’t wanna minimize that. Writing helps, or talking to animals, or, you know just other aspects of life. For me anyway. And I can’t possibly make an all encompassing statement here that fits every situation.
But things change, and beliefs like “I can’t trust anyone” can change to “I can trust this person with that”, as people show up in life who are different. It doesn’t have to be a friend either, can be a therapist or similar who is different from the rest, where you can actually tell them something. Or somebody in a shared hobby, etc.
This assumes I desire friends.
Alright, buddy, mate technical
I also think better experiences help. I.e. telling some friends
It doesn’t have to be a friend either
… So that’s what it’s called. I knew it couldn’t just be me. What is it called when one tries not to be this way by reaching out, but finds nobody actually helps anyway?
Being right. Back to total self reliance again.
Also what’s it called when you consider asking others for help, but you watch everyone in your vicinity do everything in a way that’s completely the opposite of how you would, so you HAVE to do it yourself anyway, or else your OCD will cause you more stress than you’ve supposedly been relieved of?
Yup, avoidant attachment style.
I’m generally seen as pretty emotionally open, but it’s always a front, like a negotiation to give the appearance of warmth but I’m terrified to open any deeper. I feel like what people think is the core us just the rind.
Babies will actually show this behavior as well- so this trauma goes DEEP. It might even be more genetic than behavioral. They’ve shown when a parent leaves a baby for a bit, the baby begins to cry, but when the parent returns, there are three responses (I’ll pretend a baby can speak, but this is what they say with body language):
- Ah! You were gone but now you’re back! I missed you and I’m happy you are here let’s play with my rattle (stable)
- OH MY GOD YOU ARE BACK I MISSED YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE EVER AGAIN I’M HOLDING ON TO YOU HARDER (Anxious)
- Oh, you’re back? That’s fine, I’m not gonna look at you. If I stop caring you can’t hurt me again. (Avoidant)
I know I’d keep a pretty clean & minimalist room as a kids- I remember straight up saying “I want to be able to pack up my life and leave at a moments notice and no one will ever know I ever existed” when I was 10. It’s still hard to believe people care about me in any meaningful way.
Weird thing- I had a very supportive childhood. Having a sister with intense ADHD was tough though since she took up 90% of my parents time, so I think that’s where it comes from.
I’m the opposite. I essentially plead with people for connections. No one wants to do a god damn thing anymore. It’s easier to sit inside and stare at a screen. I want to do stuff and no one else really does.
There are many people who want to go out and do stuff; you haven’t met them. I am in my 50s and I spent a couple decades trying to convince the friends I had to be more interested in doing, and I never succeeded. It is clear to me now that I should have been out finding my people who enjoyed the stuff I enjoy, and spending my time with them instead.
Don’t be me.
It’s just a matter of finding these people when there’s not a lot of people interested in leaving the house.
You meet em out of the house is the trick.
Where do you find the energy? I’m so constantly exhausted from dealing with the world and life that I can barely get errands done on weekends. You must be from SEA and away from the news of the impending world war because of a dementia patient and his cavalcade of hate.
I don’t know what SEA is. I have kids and hobbies. Get off the fuggin’ internet, dude. I’m seriously considering leaving Lemmy now due to the doom and gloom and the acceptance of only one holier than thou opinion on very subjective issues here. The internet is an echo chamber of doom. Negativity sells like sex out here. Get off the internet. Stop staring at screens. It gets easier. News sites profit off your fear and anger, and they will continue to do so while you let them.
Southeast Asia
