I love to make really bad similes/metaphors like “I have the memory of a fish with very poor memory” or “I’m as tall as a tree thats my height”.
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this one doesn’t work quite as well without speaking. but
“how do you think the unthinkable?”
“with an itheberg.” (iceberg with a lisp)
Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducked.
It’s amazing how many people like Trump and his entourage. After all, they’re fucking immature assholes.
Another one I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of
I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.
Now, anytime I’m in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I’ll let out an audible groan of frustration.
Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room “What’s wrong?”
To which I always reply “Another wooden ball”
Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife. She never seems to see it coming.
I just did the first joke in my wife yesterday.
Her: “Get out”
Well see how she treats the groan… We got a one more avacado.
Nice, I’ll steal this one. My girlfriend will be very annoyed.
I love this rofl
So you know how geese fly in that V-formation to reduce air resistance?
You know how sometimes the one arm of the “V” is longer than the other?
You know why that is?
spoiler
Because that side has more geese.
Best told while you’re just out shooting the shit walking around outside when you can point out some geese acting like you’re just pointing out another fun nature fact.
Fuck I said the same thing with seagulls lol
I hate that the joke makes me laugh, but I think it’s mostly because my spouse hates it, so I just look at the birds if I see them now, and shes like NO!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Title
Piiig (say it aloud)
God damnit, three replies in this thread, and one of them is someone who beat me to the one I was going to say! Well played.
My second favourite, then-
Do you know the heading cause of dry skin?
spoiler
Towels.
How do you spell “Blind Pig”?
B-L-N-D P-G. Because if it had two eyes it could see.
Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other “damn, it’s hot in here.” The other says “AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??”
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
"Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)
… “There’s more birds on that side”
It’s so fucking dumb and all about timing
A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gave it to her.
FUCK
It’s been years and I finally understand that joke
Both work, but I’ve always heard it as “So the barman gave her one.”
Maybe mine is the British version idk
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Tap for spoiler
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
Tap for spoiler
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
The Tactical Velcro Opening Secret
It works really well sitting around a campfire with kids.
I told this to my SIL. The rest of the in-laws don’t speak English, and got a good jump scare.
Also, not velcro, but opening a beer without the wife hearing.
God damn that was good. I won’t spoil anything but for newcomers be warned that it will take about 30 minutes of your time, and it will be worth it.
Thanks for that comment. I went for the read and don’t regret it.
I’m going to get downvoted, but hard disagree on this one. Way longer than 30 seconds and not remotely worth it. If anyone is curious, just scroll to the bottom for the punchline.
He said 30 minutes, not 30 seconds. It is a fun story if you have the time to read it though.
Damn, I gotta stop reading things immediately after I wake up. You’re right, I read it wrong.
yeah, me too. coffee first, then read.
Seconds? He said minutes.
Well, I’ll definitely stay away from drinking wiper fluid from now on
What do you call a fly
with legswithout wings? A walk.Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second man says “no such a thing as a bacon tree, that’s just a mirage”, but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush”.
