- cross-posted to:
- lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org
- anime@lemmy.ml
- cross-posted to:
- lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org
- anime@lemmy.ml
My whole life I have hated, been disgusted by and been tormented by the fact that I am not enough of a man. I am a 37 years young cisman - or so I thought - and watching this video gave me more in one hour than two years of expensive therapy has. By the way, here is the invidious link for anybody who prefers that.
It wasn’t the theme or discussion of “incel to trans pipepline” that meant anything to me perse, but rather hearing the content creator sharing their life’s story and the story of their struggle. And of victory.
I hate that I was born in and that I grew up in such a transphobic and toxic age. I wish I had discovered earlier that a life in which I give zero f*cks about perception - and even less f*cks about expectations regarding gender and gender expression and roles - is possible.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here. But I feel like I can at least breath, because there may be a way - whether it’s transitioning or “simply” adjusting my attitude towards myself - that’s not about trying to accept suffering or that “life is hard” or whatever bullshit people have been feeding me, regardless of their intentions.
Thank you for letting me vent. If this post is in anyway inappropriate in regards to the rules of this community and/or instance, feel free to remove it.
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God that essay made me cry for a solid 20 minutes.
I hope that you’ll be able to find a beautiful life
<3 you too my friend
I was exactly where you are now not very long ago at all. I’m 38. It’s terrifying and beautiful. I will never go back.
It’s good that you’re reaching out to community. You’re welcome here. You’re not alone and everything you’re going through is something many of us will have gone through too.
Thank you for the beautiful, comforting words! 😊
As I’m sure is the case for a lot of trans folks, I know the feeling roiling in your head all too well. You don’t know what your future is going to look like, but you know it’s not going to be the sameas how you’ve been living. Something has fundamentally shifted in your understanding of yourself, and it’s exciting and terrifying. In case nobody has mentioned it to you yet, the Gender dysphoria bible is something you’ll probably want to read even if you decide transitioning isn’t for you. It’s got a LOT of useful information and helped me make an informed decision and have an idea of what I wanted for me. Wishing you the best in the future, whatever it holds for you!
Thank you so much for this comment, the bible and your words of encouragement! I really needed it today <3
+1 for reading the Gender Dysphoria Bible
let me know if you want other recommendations on reading materials, I can share those.
I will say, starting estrogen should be first on your mind - it’s a lot less risky or extreme as it sounds, and it can be very clarifying and improve mental health significantly. I like to think of taking estrogen as an early diagnostic step, you can take it for around 3 months without any long-term / permanent effects, and after that point the only permanent effect you risk is breast growth (which technically could be mitigated later if needed).
Within the first week of injecting estrogen I knew whether I was “really trans” or not, I would want to continue taking estrogen, and the fact that I would look more and more like a woman was just a bonus for me 😅
So, I highly recommend making HRT a priority and an early step in your transition. Social transition and other steps can always happen later - many of us don’t socially transition until we’ve been on estrogen for a long time (e.g. once you start to pass as a woman).
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your insights and experiences! :D In my country, while on the surface both authorities and healthcare try to sound gender affirmative and supportive, the process is extremely long.
- My primary physician has to deem it necessary for my well-being that I undergo an evaluation on whether I have gender dysphoria or not.
- If they deem it so, they will send me to a special clinic that evaluates me. The waiting period to even begin evaluation can be as long as up to five years. This is but one of the reasons why a close friend of mine moved permanently to the States. They are so brave and I’m so proud of them. 😭❤️
- If the clinic after a one year evaluation concludes that I indeed have gender dysphoria, then I can ask for HRT.
I am not arguing against you in any way. I am endlessly grateful for your advice, and I do take it to heart. <3 Just wanted to share info on what kind of society I live in. And I also don’t in any way mean to diminish how “good” I have it in comparison to places where you risk alienation, harassment or even murder if you even mention the idea of trans and/or non-binary.
Gosh… I need to stop making excuses, but that’s an ongoing process too. 😅
Yes, generally in countries that don’t have sufficient access to care, the default is that people turn to DIY - basically buying and dosing estrogen on their own. This is done in the meantime until they are able to finally get you officially on HRT.
I’m in the US, and the US does still have really good access to care compared to most of the rest of the world. Here, there are usually clinics you can go to that operate on an “informed consent” model whereby you just acknowledge the risks and effects of taking HRT and legally sign off on those changes, then you are given access to the hormones usually same-day.
I waited 3 months for an appointment with a local endocrinologist, then walked out with a Rx for estrogen the same day as my first appointment.
Waiting 3 months was excruciating, and looking back I wish I had found some way to DIY during that time. I really took my life into my own hands, and had some rather extreme suicidal episodes that looking back were entirely unnecessary (not that I could have known then that estrogen would mostly “fix” this).
And yes, the fear and denial about transition is very real, and it made it very hard for me to have much access or awareness of my needs and preferences. I couldn’t connect with a desire to live as a woman, even … it’s difficult, and talking to a gender-informed therapist is a good idea.
I remember my therapist helped me get through my mental struggles with accepting getting a vaginoplasty - she asked me to imagine myself 20 years later and not having ever acted to get the surgery, how would I feel? It was quite clarifying to me that I don’t think I want to live a life with those genitals, I just want to be a woman - I wish I had been born a cis woman, and surgery was a way to help me get closer to that.
Compare that to how I felt when my egg first cracked, I was certain I would never get a vaginoplasty, that I had no “dysphoria” (at all, I thought), but I knew I wanted an orchi.
We all struggle through awareness in our own ways - some of us have better access or awareness of what we want than others.
I tend to think most of us repress our feelings and needs, so most of us are not aware of the dysphoria that impacts us.
Either way, feel free to DM me any time or ask me any questions. I am happy to share about my personal experiences, and I also have plenty of recommended reading and resources to help you navigate transition.
Luckily, transition is safe and has much better clinical outcomes than most medical treatments, so it’s really not much to worry about. It’s mostly the psychological and social stigma and hurdles that are difficult, but getting on HRT early and working hard on your transition (particularly voice training, learning how to dress, etc.) can really make a huge difference.
I also transitioned later in life, and I thought I would never pass, but I was passing almost all the time after 8 months of HRT, and I haven’t had any experiences where a cis stranger has clocked me since 12 months of HRT. It varies from person to person, but I know someone IRL who transitioned at a later age than me and she also passes well and lives full time as a woman.
Life can be so much better than you realize, I really hope you are able to transition and start living, too. 💕
thank u. I needed that video.
My feelings exactly. My rollercoaster ride isn’t over yet. I’m still processing. I’m speechless and exhausted and relieved. What is going on. Have a peaceful day <3
Ah yes, I’ve watched that one several times. The last part really hits you straight in the feels.
One thing that surprised me about transitioning is how easy it is to just be myself now. Growing up I of course felt that I was in some way “failing” to live up to some kind of masculine ideal, but at the same time was totally repulsed by it. Women were a kind of mysterious unknown, and yet I was painfully jealous of them. And now, all that cognitive dissonance has vanished. Hanging out with women who now feel safe opening up to me, I don’t need to constantly monitor myself to make sure I’m “performing” properly. It was such a shock (but obvious in hindsight) to realize these people are just like me. Even more so in sapphic spaces :3
i’ve seen it shortly after it was uploaded by sheer luck. i was nauseous, sad and … idk after i’d seen it. i rewatched it three maybe four times in the following months. it wasn’t what pushed me over the edge in the end, but i learned so much about myself there. i felt something about my self. this video is an important piece of art.
i wish you a great journey, where ever it leads you. it is worth tqking ocer your life. :)
<3
At this moment, I’m just in shock. Trying to land. The idea? the realization? that I’m not wrong, weak, stupid, worthless or whatever all the years of toxic masculinity and cisnormativity have made me believe about myself is NOT TRUE is mindboggling.
Mayby I’ll be revisiting the video too.
I’ve only just started this, but I’m so deeply grateful for growing up when I did. I absolutely know I could have easily become the person who made the manifesto in a different time. I just happened to take a slightly different path.
And honestly, the description of colors being more vivid, a lens of beauty coming into focus, my god. I said some of that shit almost word for word to a friend when I started my transition. 🤭 I hope she’s doing well.
