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I am 3 weeks into HRT and I have unlocked a kindof happiness I never thought possible.
I started finished my 2 month HRT trial about a month ago and stopped because there’s a medical thing I need to do before I continue. Today I felt the testosterone returning. It’s made me resolute in my desire to transition.
However, it feels self centered to do it while I have kids in primary school, because I could easily be the reason their friends aren’t allowed to hang out with them. It’s a bad time for trans women and their families.
However the effects of testosterone include an all consuming rage and depression. So I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.
It’s not selfish, it’s essential.
I wish it were that simple, but things are extremely complicated for us right now.
I’m not trying to say what you should do, sorry if it comes over that way. I stand by the point that taking the meds you need is not self-centered or selfish. Lady, I might not know you very well at all, but I know you are not that.
I know, and if it were 13 years ago I’d absolutely have just gone ahead with it with no consideration for the consequences. But, I have 4 kids and live in a surprisingly conservative part of a small town. Norway goes all in on pride, but most people have very old fashioned views on trans folk.
While I’m sure my own children would be very accepting, I know that my eldest would get into fist fights at school to defend me (her spirit animal is the honey badger), and my youngest kids would loose friends because of conservative parents.
My partner is very accepting of trans women, but has also been very clear about not wanting a relationship with a woman (for purely physical reasons). And because neither of us are able to provide for the kids on our own, I’d essentially be trapping her and condemning her to watching the person she fell in love with slowly being replaced by someone who doesn’t make her feel safe and whome she has no physical attraction to.
On top of this I have no IRL social network or support. I’d be doing it alone
Of course I could always just take the hormones and lumberjack mode until I can’t. But if I’m being honest the until I can’t might not take that long. I only took it for 2 months and running and jumping are already uncomfortable.
It’s just a lot. I’ll probably end up going through with it and being happier for it, but it’s going to require a lot of sacrifice. And a fair amount of conflict.
Hey thanks for opening up. I know you must have thought through any and every possible solution. Like me screaming “you should fucking move” is not going to help because i assume if you could you would. I come from a conservative rural shithole and I’d burn every building there to the ground if i was forced to move back there. Queer community has and continues to save my life. I hope you can find some IRL.
We have to give up so much in order to transition, so much security and safety and stability. All because other people want to have a say in how we live our lives. I want better for all of us.
Honestly, its not that the town I live in is conservative. It’s just that the part of it I live in is. Which is no big deal for me because I can just hang out in different parts of town. But my kids go to school here. They’re trapped. Also Norway is generally quite progressive, but they have a weird hang up when it comes to trans folk specifically.
My stupid ass bought a flat here, so it’s going to be a few years before I can afford to move.
Sounds like you realised you were trans at a pretty inopportune time. I’m sorry friend.
Walked my first pride parade and it was incredible. Unfortunate circumstances kept me a bit low energy and zoned out but I had a lovely time. My partner made my makeup and I got to borrow their leather jacket. For the first time I thought I looked hot (which later also lead to a giga-affirming comment from my friend who just said the same thing ❤️🙂↕️).
For the first time I felt like I could be me in public, just walking by as “another girl”, and it was amazing. Nobody questioned it. Nobody raised an eye. After the parade we grabbed some lunch and some kids looked at me at the restuarant. Two little girls, the boy just ignored me. Not a weird look, more that of awe of seeing someone really pretty. Afterwards we grabbed a beer and both the cashier and the guy serving us were equally surprised when they heard my voice 😂
All in all, amazing day today, so happy with everything ❤️
somehow pretty good. the past few weeks were kind of dark for me, but this week has been much better. did some mushrooms with friends last weekend and have been in a much better mood since. had a cute girl over earlier in the week and had the best time ive had in a long time. had a job interview that i think went ok, and another place invited me to an onsite interview, which is one step closer to a job, and i even talked to a contact who has seen my work at my last job and is recommending me to other places.
i was able to bottom for the first time ever! thats huge for me because ive had a chronic anal fissure for like a decade, and pretty much thought i would never be able to bottom, which made me incredibly depressed sometimes. but i found a couple papers about manual techniques for healing anal fissures that only requires some lube and your fingers. one said to do a rectal massage for 10 minutes twice a day, where you put one finger inside and move it around in a circle. i did that for a few weeks and it made such a huge difference, i could even have bowel movements without pain, which i havent been able to do for a couple years. another one said manually stretching the anal sphincters can help resolve chronic anal fissures. in the paper they basically say put two fingers inside and pull the rectum open. it was paywalled and i couldnt find it for free, so i dont have the full procedure, but they showed something like a 95% success rate for resolving chronic anal fissures, which is insane. thats comparable to the surgery but without the risk of incontinence. like somehow goatse is really good for your anal health lol. i figured the method of stretching wouldnt matter except that you dont want to hurt yourself so ive been using toys just because theyre easier. all of this added up to me being able to bottom! gonna keep up the stretching and become the bestest bottom i can be lol.
oh also i did some shopping and found some new clothes that im really excited to wear. one of them is my new favorite dress, it just fits so well and shows off my little boobs and makes me feel very feminine. i found some black high rise skinny jeans that fit me too, which ive been looking for for a long time. now i finally have some cute pants to go with all my cute tops lol. just need to find a nice high rise mid length black skirt with some belt loops and ill be a long way to having the wardrobe i want.
i know my mental health hasnt been very good lately, and my mood can take a dark turn pretty quickly, so im trying to enjoy the positive things that are happening. hopefully i can try to keep them in mind the next time things feel really bad.
