“I don’t understand trans people. Why would you have a problem with the gender you were given at birth? If I was born a woman I wouldn’t want to transition into a man”
- me before I realized I was trans
“I wonder what trans people feel that makes them want to go through so much effort to transition. I probably wont ever find that out since im not trans.”
-me the first time i searched to see what “trans” meant, before i realized i was trans
Erm…how did that happen? I mean, I try to be empathetic, but I also do asume I would want to be a woman if I was one. 🤷♂️
I don’t think I understand your question (^—^;)
edit: just to be clear, when I said “born a woman” I meant AFAB.
How did you realize you are trans?
oh well… I thought I was neutral about my gender (I also thought everyone was, and that my discomfort with my body was normal), but I started trying stuff and having people referring to me with “she” and “her” and just seeing me as a feminine person made me feel a comfort I never felt before.
My sibling seems to be going through that. I have yet to hear what they decided on 🤷♂️
I myself just can’t be arsed to care about gender anymore, that’s probably more the dissociation kicking in than anything else.
Make sure to let them feel safe about expressing themself. I hope everything goes well for you both (^w^)
Yeah, parents would stone us or something, def not in this country, and with them around.
If I was born in a masculinize body(I was), I’d want to changed to a feminized one, but I just want to be me, not a man or a woman. If I was born in a feminized body, I’d probably just be happy with that.
Hey look, it’s me too!
That’s literally me right now. I cannot imagine what someone must feel for them to transition and how they might feel because of the transition (though can obv appreciate and accept that some have those feelings I can’t directly relate to).
I don’t know, I genuinely feel like it wouldn’t change that much about my life. Even if the things I want and do stay the same, I feel like I could do those the same way no matter my gender. What does my gender even change about my life? Is gender even real?
It’s possible you might be agender. Many cis people, myself included, have a deep, inexplicable attachment to their assigned gender at birth, and the prospect of living as a different gender causes them deep discomfort or distress. Whether you find that agender is a term that resonates with your experience, know that the degree to which people experience attachment to their gender is just one of the many dimensions of the variety in human gender, and that you don’t need to label your experience if that doesn’t feel useful or right for you
So I can only speak to my own experience and I’m still a baby trans woman, so I’ve only gotten a small part of the experience. It’s hard to explain, but I literally have never felt better about myself in my entire life than I do right now, by such a wide margin it makes me believe I’ve probably never actually felt good about myself before at all, I was just experiencing various degrees and flavors of self loathing. Yet to most people almost nothing is different about me yet. It’s profound and subtle and life changing. There was and is a lot of fear but that’s more about other people than me. I would still transition if I was the last person on earth.
To add a counter example to emphasise your (and others’) experiences: I am a cis woman who, after getting into learning about queer theory, concluded that it was irrational to be so attached to my assigned gender at birth, and that it would be more logical to use they/them pronouns. I tried this for a few weeks and found that it was deeply uncomfortable and I had to stop. In hindsight, I find it utterly hilarious that I basically tried to brute force my way out of being cisgender.
I’m also a scientist, and due to the fact that women in science still face a lot of misogynistic bullshit, I have sometimes wished that I were a man so that I wouldn’t have to deal with that. At first, when I had those thoughts, I wondered if this might mean I was actually a trans man, and that I should consider whether that was a path I wanted to take (“we have the technology, we can rebuild him”_robocop_meme.jpeg). However, I found that imagining myself living as a man filled me with an unpleasant gnawing sensation, like an itchiness of the soul. I think this was effectively simulated gender dysphoria?
So yeah, cis people do exist, and I’m proof. I don’t understand it, but I probably never will. Gender is weird, and I just have to acknowledge it as a fact of my reality. Part of why I’m sharing my experience here is because I’ve contributed to the cracking of at least three people realising they were trans. I was able to recognise the discomfort of simulated gender dysphoria because of the contrast against what I usually felt, but it can be much harder to notice if it’s just a background discomfort that, for some people, is mostly tolerable.
And on a nicer note, being in community with trans people helped show me that cis people absolutely can experience gender euphoria. Queer community was a huge part of how I worked through all my internalised misogyny, and now I’m at a place where I can get angry at all the patriarchal bullshit women face while also feeling free to explore what it means for me to be a woman.
The first time I allowed myself to wear a dress when I first saw myself in the mirror as a woman I immediately understood how it feels to identify with your body. Before I would always say I am not a body I only inhabit it. But as soon as I could see myself as a woman something clicked in my brain and for the first time I felt like I was that body. Before that I didn’t even know that was something one could feel. So at least for me gender is very real.
I still haven’t worn skirts often sadly - I feel the ‘parts’ are in the way. And I don’t know how to tuck them effectively - I have shapewear, but that’s it. Tucking it into the body I cannot do.
Plus I feel like I don’t dare yet to go full skirty outside yet. I’m taking E and pass for many, but for myself I feel like I don’t yet – due to my jawline. I don’t know if you’ve done so yet, but how do you overcome that fear? How do people react?
Unfortunately I can’t help you there. I still remember wanting to dress super cutely feminine only to look into a mirror and find myself too masculine to pull it off and sadly changing to wear something else. Or the first time I tried to wear heels only to get scared after a few steps outside and hurry back inside to change. Only facial feminisation surgery did it for me and now I know I pass.
If it’s specifically your jawline that troubles you, have you considered starting by wearing a mask? They’re not as common as COVID days, but it’s normalized enough. It could be a good way to test the waters and build up more confidence.
I’m not the person you asked, and I can’t personally relate. Apologies if what I said is unwelcomed.
Definitely something to be said about how gender isn’t “real,” but people’s perception of it is.
There’s no pattern of masculine or feminine behavior/style that is consistent across cultures and throughout history. It’s all arbitrary.
But that binary perception of masculine/feminine is nevertheless all around us, even if it’s not consistently represented.
I’d like to think that not much would change about my style or mannerisms if I had been born with different parts, and I find it odd how unnecessarily gendered so many aspects of society are. I’m just “me,” what else would I want to be? But I also need to remind myself that I only think that way because I’ve never had to worry about being seen as something other than what I am, even if I don’t feel that strongly about it. It’s easy to overlook just how much of my life experience has been colored by my effortless gender presentation.
Not everyone gets that by default, and it’s hard to put myself in those shoes because I simply can’t understand what it’s like to be viewed as the opposite gender, or why it might cause discomfort.
If I were airlifted to some other culture that viewed pants as feminine and skirts as masculine, would I toss all of my jeans to conform? I’d like to think I wouldn’t, because I like the comfort of pants and attributing a gender standard to clothes has always seemed silly to me. But if it affected the way people saw me, I just might.
Idk not having tits made me want to kill myself and I was willing to pay nearly a college degree of money to undergo major genital surgery despite being allergic to opiates. Gender as some metaphysical thing, yeah felt that on acid once while several years into transitioning.
What does my gender even change about my life?
The answer is probably different for each person. I always felt weird about the expectations people have on me based on my gender.
Is gender even real?
Great question! I don’t know. Probably is… and isn’t. I think about it like a social construct, like money for example. Money doesn’t exist in biology or in physics. Its just paper, or metal discs, or a number on my screen. But it definitely affects the lives of people living in any civilization. But gender can’t be just a social construct because it’s too subjective. There probably is more to it.
There isn’t much scientific research in gender. We definitely need more.
I can relate to that.
I like being a dude, I enjoy dressing in a “manly” way, and if I had to change something about my body, I’d wish for broader shoulders without having to work out, or the ability to grow a decent beard without looking stupid. I couldn’t imagine having breasts or not having a penis, that would just be wrong.
That said, if I had somehow been born as a girl, I doubt it would have changed much about me (ignoring the different expectations / gender norms and all that shit). If someone offered me to magically swap into a female body for a day or two, I am pretty sure my curiosity would win.
Manhood can be a spectrum with all sorts of variants. What you wish to feel as is what you feel as!
Scottish men wear kilts on formal occassions, women frequently wear trousers. Lipstick or nail polish is used by men and women alike.
I personally view myself as a gal, but I generally like to dress neutrally/masculinely. Only very rarely do I go full skirty, so to say.
Transitioning can be in all sorts of ways, some transition only by dress, others only hormonally, others medically, and others do some or all of these. Some trans gals keep their dick, others want it gone.
If you’re thinking of hormones, is a pretty big thing, but it’s generally reversible up to three months. I’d recommend storing your reproduction cells (sperm/eggs), before starting. This is because hormones will make you temporarily infertile, and if used for longer (e.g. if you wanna continue), permanently. If you wanna stop to store them, you get some hormonpausal (peno-/menopausal) symptoms.
I actually offered hormones to a cis friend as a joke before, but he was like “nah, no thanks”. And that’s valid too. For me, and they helped me a lot in that I felt more home in my body - that my body was becoming more my own rather than some foreign body my spirit inhabited.
For the beard thing, for you - it depends. Most guys don’t get the capacity for a ‘full’ beard until their mid-twenties, some even take until their thirties. I don’t know where you’re at but I think you’ll be fine in that regard :p
The “I’m not trans because there’s never been any signs that I’m trans” to “holy fuck in retrospect there were a ton of obvious signs” pipeline
It’s like not knowing what pain is until you get relief for the first time because it’s so constant that it’s all you know
As someone with both gender dysphoria and chronic pain, this is a little too real
Too well described, it felt like a constant veil of sluggishness. With the hormones, it felt like the veil was removed and I for the first time could truly feel happy, not a sort of apparent one for the outer world or myself, but a deeper, real one, feeling all warm and fuzzy and calm from inside.
What’s pain?
“I don’t have gender dysphoria, I just feel like shit all the time, constantly imagine myself as a different sex, and would do anything to make that happen. But like, I don’t qualify as trans”
Mind you back when I was doing this I was mostly just terrified of RLE and being denied hrt over my sexual orientation, both of which were real possibilities (though drastically lessening over my teenage years)
Well, I do feel like shit all the time, but I don’t have gender dysphoria. My life is just shit, because I’m a minority (not trans). Edit: I imagine dysphoria is way worse and it probably is.
If you’re a cis straight neurotypical white male, strongly consider not (formally or medically) changing that. Repression exists, and depending on the political situation in your home country, also genocide.
I wouldn’t add another excuse for repression to my medical file, I’m fucked enough as only an Autistic.
I apologize for my ignorance, but what’s RLE?
Oh yeah I’m old lol. RLE is short for Real Life Experience. The long and short of it is many therapists used to make you live as your identified gender full time for a period of time before they would write you a letter of recommendation to start hormones. And back then you couldn’t get hormones without that letter, it acted as a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. The rise of the modern informed consent model is something I transitioned during about 11 years ago and it was kinda a huge deal.
But yeah as an old comic I spent too long looking for before deciding I probably shouldn’t link it anyways said, RLE more or less functioned as hazing for trans people by the medical establishment. Even as late as the early 10s you might be denied hormones for not transitioning to hetero (or bi depending on the therapist) or for not dressing exaggeratedly enough (in the mid teens a friend got refused a letter because she didn’t wear makeup or skirts to appointments).
I actually had that happen with my therapist, I refused to do so until they caved in. I wore a skirt and lipstick to appointments online, even though I’d normally not have done so. I hate having to put myself into an arbitrary box because others are narrowminded.
I wanted to do the RLE only accompanying with hormones (and even then, I felt the RLE shouldn’t be a thing and is a barrier to push for being harassed). I felt it too scary to be dressed in an affirming way while I still looked the “wrong gender for my clothes” (and I thought it’d give me harassment). Women get harassed regardless of what they dress, so I didn’t want to imagine what it would be like, appearing masc still and having to dress feminine. I want to do that at my own pace, thankyouverymuch.
I think that that’s why it’s so important to let people decide for themselves. The hormones should be over the counter and people should be able to try them out for at least a few months, with informed consent.
When I finally got the hormones, that was such BIG relief honestly. I nowadays manage to pass more and more and get gendered right, so I’m very happy about that.
Thank you for explaining.
I’m sorry you had to struggle.
I’m glad that (if I understand correctly and please let me know if I don’t) that you get to be you.
Oh absolutely and sorry if I was kinda downery about it, I had it easy, not as easy as some, but those who came before did important work. I just think as someone who transitioned in a different time it’s important to not let our history be forgotten, especially as many who experienced it learned to be less loud about it
Please don’t apologize.
History is important for everyone to remember, I agree.
Literally my development
Idk if you’re also a young millennial, but yeah in my teenage years I secretly devoured content about trans people (especially women) where I saw it and given that that was the latter half of the 00s when the internet was finally connecting communities more broadly and when trans healthcare was going through its shifts away from those systems towards the more “hey they’ll just tell us what we need to hear so let’s just do informed consent and save everyone some trouble” period. This means I got a weird mix of advice, and you know Susan’s place was Susan’s place. So I was afraid I might have to cut everyone off to start a new life (and thus I alienated loved ones for a while), and I knew the old advice to wait until the dysphoria is so bad it’s “transition or suicide” so I waited until that was the case, which only cost me a year or two, but it wasn’t good for me.
I still remember the first time I saw a trans woman like me on the internet, one who didn’t feel the need to be overly performative in her femininity, but could just be a person. I couldn’t hold my egg together after seeing her, and I went from “sure I might transition someday” to “but am I actually a trans woman, and when will I transition” within a week. The early 10s were a wild and exciting time.
Yeah, I had the same. I used to think you need to wear skirts all the time to be fem, but a therapist told me, just look at what cis women dress. Then I realised, they don’t do skirts all the time either… so I was very relieved and felt liberated. That helped me to transition.
Sometimes I think I might have, but it feels like not strong enough for me to consider any change. Is there such a thing? Or am I just crazy and lost?
It probably is. There definitely seem to be people best described as cis by default (would have been fine regardless of which gender they lived as), though there’s little evidence beyond self reported experiences (as opposed to the evidence for trans identity where cross sex hormones result in increased happiness and the very case study evidence for cis identity where loss or reversal of sexual traits are associated with development of gender dysphoria). We can also point to the reality that transness does appear to have scaled intensity, where some people hit the “transition or die” stage as teenagers, some hit it in varying other ages, and others never do but still feel transition was the correct course of action for their life.
Why yes, i don’t like my genitals or body hair or facial hair or my hands or my feet or my voice or where my body disperses fat, and I’m generally deeply uncomfortable with all of the above, but what does that have to do with dysphoria?
🙃
And everyone experiences this right 👀 not just me
Of course! Not experiencing your AGAB in dreams on a regular basis is also perfectly normal
Haha yes yes
I have hyperrealistic dreams and even experienced pregnancy while dreaming - feeling a baby kick, as if an elbow touched me from the inside. That was so euphoric, but when I woke up, I was so heartbroken 😭
I would literally commit multiple crimes if it meant I could undergo a succesful pregnancy. Even if I died, I would at least have succeeded this, and science could advance knowledge of how to improve chances for other uterus lackers.
“I am not trans I just like the aesthetic.”
Showerthought, aren’t femboys and tomgirls doing that?
Can’t push labels on people. Some might just be happy representing like that and not being the other gender.
Good point, you got me there
